Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
