I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
