Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
