The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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