I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
