Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
