I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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