I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
