complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
