so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sext me about skeletons
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
