9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
