Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
