woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
