She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
