The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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