hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
