the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
