My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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