I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
