girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
you inspire me to be a worse person
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
