I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
