dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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