my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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