I haven't been this sober since birth.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So much rum. So many feels.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
