quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
