If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
