ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
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Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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