The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
