Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
cat food counts as protein by the way
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
