I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year