I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We had sex on a dog bed..
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.