I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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