I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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