I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
