so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
