My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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