maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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