This is not my ceiling
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
