I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize