In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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