I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
