As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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