Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
