It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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