We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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