Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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