When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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