What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
