I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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