My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Success! We fucked roommates!
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