Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
