I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
