Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
