It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
