I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
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I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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