how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
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holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm way too hungover for life right now
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.