My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.