She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.