I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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