i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
