Have you finally orgasmed yet?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
