my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Randomize
