my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
