I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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