oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
