for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
