I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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